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Fetish and BDSM online dating - a self-experiment and experience report in the fetish contact exchange

The other day I was thinking about how to find a partner online to live out and experience fetishism and BDSM together. The question came to my mind why it sometimes happens quite quickly and sometimes not?

In very few cases do we run straight into the arms of our suitable counterpart. Many of us have already experienced a lot in our search for a suitable partner, and unfortunately not only good things. Especially in times of Corona, many are looking for happiness on the Internet in the form of an online search on various portals and platforms. In this respect, there are dating sites that specialise in finding fetishists and BDSM devotees, as well as dating sites that do not have this focus. So I, a female sub and fetishist, dared to experiment and placed ads in a self-test to see what reactions I would get. I placed two ads for this purpose:

For the first ad, I created Sub Nicole, who is looking for a serious 24/7 sub/dom relationship. My second staged request was for a play relationship with fetish interests, involving regular BDSM encounters.

Profile description dating in fetish online dating agency

After some time, I wrote to all the people who had responded to my ads to honestly acknowledge that the content of the search on my part was not serious, but was for self-testing. I explained to them that I was doing research for a blog article and in this context asked if I could elaborate the contents of their cover letters for my article. The reactions were surprisingly positive throughout. None of the people involved called me names or were in any way abusive or even insulting towards me. For the most part, very congenial conversations ensued with valuable insights for me.

The answers I received to my fetish play relationship search I do not want to comment on here. They were simply all of a purely sexual nature, very directly and transgressively formulated and without any serious interest in my person. I got the impression that they were only looking for free sex. Almost all messages in this regard were of a purely sexual nature without a real BDSM context. Only two responses in this context were of a sympathetic nature in my perception, namely that of a man and that of a couple. I can therefore very well understand why some sub could be put off by this. Maybe this is also a reason why it sometimes does not come to a real realisation, I could imagine.

Searching for a partner online and my online dating experiences

Now to my 24/7 request, to which there were quite different cover letters. I would like to leave my personal opinion regarding the content of these messages out of this summary, because everyone feels subjectively. What suits me, doesn't suit someone else and vice versa. However, it is important to me to mention that most of the senders made real reference to BDSM and seemed much more serious and sincere overall. Their search was also more serious and authentic. Nevertheless, there were also letters that were purely sexual in nature, but these were fortunately kept within limits and were nowhere near as unpleasant as those in the play relationship advertisements.

Following this, I asked the message writers what reactions came from the sub-ads to their cover letters. Interestingly, all men answered me unanimously: exclusively bad reactions or no reactions.

This was the tone of the dating portals and singles sites for fetishism:

  • Fooling around
  • Joking
  • Exposing
  • 99% fake
  • Men pretending to be women to get excited about other people's ideas and fantasies
  • Pishing fakes
  • Scam fakes
  • Women who, after several messages, say they want money in return
  • Very young women who are still looking for what they want
  • Very mature women who want to try out but then don't mean it
  • Referring to paid subscriptions and websites
  • There remains 1% who have to be filtered out

So these news writers basically reflected my dissatisfaction with my experience. Somehow the exchange didn't really seem fun for either side, but the hope of experiencing a lucky break for once keeps everyone happy and sustains the whole dating fabric. In the final reflection of my self-experiment, it became clear that it is probably not easy for all participants and seekers to find a suitable partner online in portals.

I am not in a position to judge how it might be in specialised fetish and BDSM portals, because this one experience of online dating was enough for me for now. I also completely underestimated the time factor involved in answering messages and thus getting a chance to meet people. In summary, this research was extremely exciting and educational for me.

Summary of fetish and BDSM dating on the internet:

My conclusion for fetishists and BDSMers is as follows: Don't be discouraged by bad experiences! Please do not lose your courage to live out and experience BDSM. Of course, there are many dishonest and egoistic people out there, but your soul mate and a suitable counterpart for you could also be waiting somewhere out there, who completes you. Or at best, grandiose BDSM sex in mutual, trusting agreement is waiting for you out there - depending on what you are looking for at the moment. Stay true to yourself and don't play roles you think are expected! Then maybe at some point there might be a chance that happiness will come to you.

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